Kara Robinson // Comedian // Air Force
This article was previously published on the author’s Facebook and has been republished as-is with permission from the author.
I would like to talk about a bit of a controversial veteran / military experience; one I definitely don't feel comfortable speaking about. This post is about the female on female culture of the military; and likely a lot of other male dominated spaces.
When I was first in; and very young - 17 years old - I had an uncomfortable situation with a female lieutenant. Whilst I was in service; there were times where I experienced violence; like many of us. But for some reason; what will sound like a very minor event; effected me much more and really stayed with me. When you read it; I'm sure you might even scoff. It doesn't sound like much; which is why I have generally kept it to myself.
Now many of you have likely picked up on my atrocious spelling. I am dyslexic; but in the past - have gone to great efforts to cover this up. It certainly was one of my greatest insecurities - being made to feel stupid. When we have trigger points like this; that can seem small to others - likely linked back to childhood trauma - even minor setbacks can feel very shameful. I can admit this neurodivergence now; as I feel safe to do so. Likely greatly because of you; the audience; who is helping me shine light on these experiences.
I am in the transport yard; with approx. a platoon amount of other soldiers. The lieutenant gave me what was supposed to be a simple task; calling the roll. The second it was given to me; I felt a knot in my stomach. Oh please no; pleaaasse don't make me read out loud. Especially something like names; that aren't all common words that I will easily recognise. My first instinct was to quickly burn the roll; and pretend it was an accident. I had done so in the past with many a Dr Seuss book, so I had methods of concealing this secret pyromaniac protest.
However; everyone was already gathered around in a semi circle watching. They were also impatient; wanting this to be over and done with; to move into their day. I felt my heart start thumping as all eyes were one me. The lieutenant stood there; smirking; arms crossed. "Get on with it" she said.
At first it was fine. Ordinary Anglo-Saxon names; mostly my mates where I knew the pronunciations. A few stammers, but not enough to notice. But half way down, I came to what I read as - just a bunch of vowels spewed onto the page. I squinted, feeling my breath catch in my throat. Of course; with the added pressure; my brain was freezing up. People were starting to roll their eyes at how long this was taking; which from their perspective; I completely understand. I have no choice; I just try to sound out the sounds.
Of course; I get it wrong. And of course; it is the lieutenant's name. A Greek surname. She immediately starts mocking me, and tells me to stop showing off. I am not sure how not being able to read well is showing off, but I try to keep going. Now I am tongue tied as she keeps berating me; my face growing red. I feel dumb. I feel alone; isolated in front of everyone. A few people start to chuckle; not sure what is really happening.
She rips the roll from my hands, and tells me, 'OF COURSE YOU KNOW MY NAME YOU'VE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIMES'. I think that she doesn't realise that I've masked this; and have just been calling her Ma'am. I've never actually had to say it out loud before. She scoffs at me, and calls me an idiot.
I have to be really honest here; and I know this will make me sound weak. I have a shadow posting to infantry as one of the first female soldiers to go to a combat corps. I have pushed through hiding my athsma and training to make sure I am fit enough to perform all the infantry standards at an average level. I have been preyed upon by weirdos; I've had some of the men turn violent. And I have never really worried that much. I've pushed on. Resilient. But for some reason... this is a point where I feel like I want to break. I start to feel the knot in my throat rise up; and my eyes water. I am completely humiliated. I choke it down as fast as I can and step back in line. The moment is gone; we move on. I know now it is likely my greatest insecurity being highlighted. Feeling inadequate. Feeling less that everyone; like there is something wrong with me. I am ashamed.
Now you think perhaps the moment has passed. But that is not the case. We end up later that week at the boozer; and after a few drinks; the lieutenant starts on me again. She is smirking; and making sarcastic quips. Her narrative is that I faked that display for attention? Which confuses me a lot. I am not sure how misprouncing a name is attention seeking behaviour. To me it is mortifying. She has had a few drinks now. She stands over me and tells me I am always seeking attention, especially off Thompson and Harrington (I've changed the names). I have no idea who those people are. She tries to get people to mock me; and there are a couple of stifled laughs; but no one really knows what she is talking about. In person; I am an extreme introvert; not really known for attention seeking behaviour.
I ask someone and the men she was referring to are some other officers I have never met; that she works with. And it dawns on me. The real reason this all happened. It is very likely a set up. She planned it out to humiliate me, with some attempt to 'humble me'. And it's because of that reason... the thing we are all taught not to say.
This is an example; but after a few experiences I learn two things: In the world of women in the ADF; there are two hierarchies. Some women are so wonderful to work with and support each other. Most are like this; and just get on with it. The hierarchy is the actual chain of command; as it's supposed to be.
Then there are some women who are more ingrained with the internalised mysogony. Their hierarchy is about what the men around them value. And if the men value physical appearance; and they don't feel good about themselves; then they can feel threatened by other women. And sometimes, we meet the women who use their position of power to tear others down. This is the reality for many of us ladies in the ADF. It is a different game. One much more invisible. The psychological torment. If I spoke up about it; I would very likely be seen as weak. I mean... it was just reading the roll. Nothing to write home about. But she knew that. She also likely picked it out as my trigger point. In her mind; she and I had likely been locked in some battle I knew nothing about. And she was determined to 'win'.
This is why a lot of women in the ADF end up as lone wolves. The issue is; those that tear you down are very good at hiding it. They can act supportive; until they aren't. It becomes so hard to trust anyone. You begin to feel very guarded. You don't know which men are predators, and you don't know which women want to harm your career. In many of these male orientated spaces; the old culture is 'there can only be one'. Only one female allowed in the room; so they are taught to defend their position. You usually don't have to physically fear them; but you have to guard your weaknesses and insecurities just as much as you guard your body. It is stressful and taxing.
I would love to change this. I have only been in the veteran space a short while; but I can already see a movement that was already here before me. Women who have been some of the first to lay down the ground work needed to ensure that our culture changes to a place of support.
I may not have the same positions of power within ESOs and corporate organisations; but all I can is shine a light on it. This one wasn't that easy to admit; that I nearly crumbled from misprouncing a name. Not going to lie; I already feel like an idiot writing it for all you war fighters who were in actual combat to read. But I think it might be the only way I can contribute in changing that culture. I don't want to be a lone wolf. The key is in the title. It's lonely. I crave female friendship and often feel sad that it isn't there in some spaces. You watch a group of men laugh together and wish you had that too.
We navigate very unique challenges as women in the ADF. A lot of them can make us feel invisible. I know men do too; I certainly am not taking away from that. Lots of men have stood up for me and supported me; time and time again. But today I just want to thank the women in the veteran space who have made room for me. I admit I was scared to come back to the industry. I am grateful. I hope we can set the example so that our current serving members can feel less isolated.
